In the first part of the series, I explained the meanings of ‘dating,’ ‘courtship,’ and ‘marriage.’ Then in the second part I looked at these terms from both African and Western perspectives in the second part. However, as a Christian, it is important to understand how God views our relationships with others.
Christian culture
What is the Christian culture when it comes to romantic relationships?
There is no explicit doctrine or set of rules concerning teenagers (13-18 years)dating, but the bible provides examples, principles and guidance that can be applied to relationships at any age. Before I list out the main points in Christian relationships, it is important to know that the bible doesn’t recognize dating. No where in the bible will you find the word ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. The only romantic relationship recognized by God in the bible is marriage and this is why when we commit certain romantic acts outside the boundaries of marriage, we are considered sinners (e.g. fornication, adultery, sexual immorality…).
Now this doesn’t mean God expects us to jump into marriage the moment we set our eyes on someone!! How were romantic relationships formed in the bible?
I studied three examples in the bible where romantic relationships were formed and how they went about it:
Isaac and Rebekah
- Read here; Genesis 24 1-23
- Abraham sent his servant to find a wife and NOT a girlfriend for his son Isaac from among his relatives.
- If the woman wasn’t interested in following the servant, she was to be left alone (not harassed, stalked, insulted or persuaded!!)
- The servant prayed for guidance and asked God to lead him to the right woman. He asked God for a clear and very specific sign that was relevant to his situation.
- He found out about the background of the woman he encountered and had an idea of her character (there was nothing like ‘getting to know each other romantically’). This was more of an objective investigation.
- He observed her before asking her about her identity and then gave her a symbol with significant meaning behind it clarifying his intentions (observation-confirmation-action).
- He went to her family, explained himself, made his intentions clear and asked for the family’s permission but also Rebekah’s permission.
The chapter ends with:
66 Then the servant told Isaac all he had done.
67 Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.
No where is there mention of the talking stage, situationship, dating or any other strange label our generation has made up. After they figured out the type of woman she was and acknowledged her qualities, Isaac made the decision to marry her.
Ruth and Boaz
- Read the book of Ruth chapters 2-4.
- Ruth was a Moabite widow who came to Bethlehem with her mother-in-law, Naomi.
- Ruth went to glean in the fields to provide for herself and Naomi (she was minding her business, working and providing for herself and family).
- Boaz noticed her, showed her kindness, and provided her with extra grain and protection (he was genuinely kind; not the kind of kindness people show when they have ulterior motives).
- Naomi the mother-in-law recognized Boaz and encouraged Ruth to seek his favor (taking advice from the elders).
- Ruth obediently followed Naomi’s advice and approached Boaz, subtly expressing her desire for him to marry her according to the custom of levirate marriage. There was no seduction happening here nor was no one ‘pursuing’ the other. They were both clear in what they wanted right from the beginning.
- Boaz agreed to fulfill his duty as the kinsman-redeemer and married Ruth, demonstrating his commitment to her and to preserving the family lineage. He didn’t waste her time, nor give her false hope. This another example where permission was asked from the family before proceeding.
Again, no mention of dating or flirting, or ‘figuring it out’ or talking stage or vibing with each other. If anything from the very beginning it was clear what Ruth wanted from him after they both noticed and observed each other. And he also married her without stringing her along or giving her false hope.
Jacob and Rachel
- Read here; Genesis 29
- Jacob fled from his brother Esau and went to live with his uncle Laban in Haran.
- When Jacob arrived at the well in Haran, he encountered Rachel, Laban’s daughter, who had come to water her father’s flock.
- In verse 11 the bible says Jacob kissed Rachel BUT this was NOT a romantic kiss. It was a way of greeting each other and we see it appear again in verse 13 where Laban kissed Jacob.
- Verse 18 says that Jacob loved Rachel and in order to marry her he decided to work for her father for 7 years (not only do we see an explicit mention of the emotional aspect of romantic relationships ‘he loved her’ we also get to see an example of how he proved his intentions and commitment).
- They had no romantic relations with each other until they were married. They probably got to know each other better in those 7 years he worked for her father but there was no mention of sexual intimacy between the two.
These biblical examples of courtship demonstrate various aspects of seeking a spouse, such as prayer, family involvement, mutual respect, intention and commitment. While the cultural practices in the bible may differ from modern dating customs, the principles of seeking God’s guidance, honoring family, and demonstrating love and commitment remain the same for Christian relationships today.
I’ll end with some extra points we Christians should consider when pursuing a romantic relationship:
- Respect and Purity:
Christianity emphasizes the importance of treating others with respect and dignity, regardless of age. This includes respecting boundaries and maintaining purity in relationships. We are encouraged to honor God with our bodies and to abstain from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18-19; Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own).
- Wisdom and Guidance:
Young adults are encouraged to seek wisdom and guidance from trusted adults, such as parents, pastors, or mentors, when it comes to relationships.
(Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”)
Seeking advice from those with more life experience can help navigate the complexities of relationships. Although it’s important to hear from others we shouldn’t forget that not all advice is good, so allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us through all the different voices is very important.
- Focus on Character:
Rather than solely focusing on romantic feelings or physical attraction, Christianity emphasizes the importance of character and compatibility in relationships. This is the person you’ll be spending the rest of your life with and emotions and physical attraction may fade away but the true nature of a person rarely changes. We as young adults are encouraged to look for partners who share our values, beliefs, vision and goals, and who will support us in our journey of life and faith (2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?).
This here why I personally don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in attraction at first sight, interest at first sight or even lust at first sight. But to genuinely love someone, you need to know who they are as a human being. Know the good, the bad and the ugly and if you still wish to continue whatever relationship you seek, only then can you say you truly love them. Love carries more weight than we sometimes acknowledge.
- Setting Boundaries:
Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship. This includes boundaries around physical affection, communication, likes and dislikes and time spent together. Setting and respecting boundaries helps foster trust, respect, and mutual understanding. Don’t be too quick to compromise to be with someone. Know your own morals, values, and dislikes, and stick to your principles. The right person who fits will stay in your life. When I see people compromising on things they find important but the other person doesn’t, even in the dating stage, my heart beats in fear for them. If you’ve compromised this much already, how much more will you compromise after marriage? And what remains of you after compromising so much in the name of love?
- Parental Involvement:
Parents play an important role in guiding and supporting their children in romantic relationships. While young adults may desire independence, parental involvement can provide valuable guidance, accountability, and support. You’ll be surprised how often our parents are right about our friends and partners. They raised us, know us, and have a good sense of what’s best for us. So, whenever they express concerns about someone, think twice before pursuing the relationship.
- Focus on Friendship:
Christianity encourages young adults to prioritize building strong friendships with members of the opposite sex before pursuing romantic relationships. A foundation of friendship provides a solid basis for a healthy and lasting romantic relationship. It also gives room to filter out the rotten apples without any emotional attachment. You learn much more about a person by starting out as friends rather than as partners. It gives you a more objective view of who they are, and you won’t have to waste emotional energy on something that may not be right for you. It’s also important to understand the difference between being compatible as friends and as partners. There are many decent, God-fearing men and women out there, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are the right person for you. They might be in our life as good friends, as a lesson or as potential partners and it’s up to us to figure out where they belong.
Overall, Christianity encourages people to approach dating with wisdom, respect, and integrity, while seeking God’s guidance and honoring Him in all relationships.
I genuinely pray for all my single brothers and sisters out there (myself included lol). May you find your life partner, in Jesus’ name. May God direct you to the right place, and may your union be a gift from the heavens.
Until then, stay focused and strive to be the very best version of yourself!
Stay Blessed x
