Celestial Diary

Back with another rant on love……or maybe even the lack thereof!

This morning, I read a post from a man ranting on Facebook about how his wife told their 16-year-old daughter:

“Never give up your future for a man the way I did for your father.”

This man was so offended because what could she possibly mean by that, after all his hard work and sacrifice?
The bottom line was this: she had been making sacrifices since day one just so he could become the person he was today, but in the meantime, she had lost herself.

She gave up nursing school because she got pregnant. And obviously, as the woman, she had to stay home. They couldn’t afford childcare, tuition and rent at the same time, so she postponed it.
Two years later, she got pregnant again and postponed it again.
Then the third child came.

By then, they had bought a house, hubby was a manager, and her hope of going back to school was still just a dream.

There was always something standing in the way: a new baby, the mortgage, or her husband’s schedule. Even when she suggested evening school, he never made an effort to accommodate her. She eventually found a babysitter, but that was “too” expensive for him. She even asked her mother-in-law to help with the kids, but mummy dearest was too tired.

Eventually, she just gave up.

And now, years later, there is resentment and regret.

Now, this story isn’t being told so we can bring men down!! There are still a few out there genuinely trying their best.

The main point of today is self-reflection.

The man in this story was baffled to hear his wife’s regret because, in his mind, he was the best husband and father. A provider and a protector; he worked hard and sacrificed for his family.

But let’s be honest: your love is meaningless if the other person doesn’t actually experience it as love.
And that is where communication and action becomes so important.

Another uncomfortable part of love is: sacrifice should not mean silently destroying yourself and then expecting the other person to magically know what it cost you.

If something matters to you, say it. If you’re unhappy, say it. If you’re making a sacrifice, talk about it.

If you feel like you’re constantly giving something up for the relationship, your partner needs to know.

Because one day you might wake up and realize you’ve spent 20 years saying, “It’s fine, I’ll manage,” only to discover that it was never actually fine.

Love requires sacrifice but it also requires communication, consideration and mutual agreement about what that sacrifice looks like.

I know some people do try to talk to their spouses about what they’re going through only for it to fall on deaf ears which is very unfortunate. But it should remind us of how important it is to pick the right ‘partner’ (not just husband/wife because marriage actually requires a partnership).

Now so far I haven’t said anything special: this is something most of us know and watch out for when meeting someone new BUT on the flip side we also should take a step back from always looking at what we need from the relationship and look at what the person beside us needs too.

When looking for a partner, most of us have a list of what we want, how we want to be treated and the things we won’t tolerate.

But how many of us apply this same logic to ourselves? Having standards isn’t the problem: the problem is when your standards become a list of demands for someone else while you give yourself a convenient exemption from meeting them.

You want an understanding partner who would put your needs first and encourage you, but are you willing to do the same for your own partner?

Jesus literally told us to check the plank in our own eye before worrying about the speck in someone else’s eye (Matthew 7:3–5).

And somehow, we’ve managed to turn dating into one giant speck-hunting exercise. We have lists upon lists of what is wrong with everyone else (even I am very guilty of this).

Too short
Too broke
Too emotional
Too boring
Too outgoing
Not ambitious enough
Too ambitious
Not spiritual enough
Too over spiritual
Not attractive enough
Too attractive (yes, apparently this is a problem for some people)

……..

But when was the last time you sat down and asked yourself:

“Okay, but what is wrong with me?”

Before blindly saying yes you do, let’s go back to this story:

• How many men would put their career and passions aside so their wife can fulfill her dreams?
• How many men are willing to move wherever their wife’s job takes them, every single time?
• How many are willing to be a full-time stay-at-home dad?
• How many are willing to take on the family’s mental load and still show up for everyone?

Again, I’m not saying such men don’t exist.

I’m saying there’s an imbalance because the same can be said for women.

• You want a man who is financially stable, but you’re financially illiterate.
• You want a tall man with a six-pack, but you eat anyhow and don’t take care of your body.
• You want a man who can provide, protect and love you, but you don’t even know how to comfort him on the days when he’s low.
• You want an intellectual man, but only watch reality TV shows.

And before anyone comes for me: I’m not saying you have to be a six-pack woman to deserve a man with abs.

I’m saying it’s worth asking whether the standards you’re setting for someone else reflect the standards you’re willing to hold yourself to.

I always joke around and say that if I were a man, I would be the perfect husband.

Why? Because I know exactly what women want and need (even though, let’s be honest, we as women can be unreasonable). But when it comes to pleasing a man, the unknown variables increase exponentially.

So I have to ask myself as a lady hoping to get married one day:

What kind of wife is my husband looking for?

And am I even 50% of that?
If we were to meet today, would he pass me by or recognize his missing rib?

Because this is where the self-reflection gets uncomfortable.
Would I marry me?

Would you marry yourself with all your bad character traits, selfishness, poor communication, stubbornness, emotional immaturity and unresolved issues?

Would you actually want to deal with yourself? If your answer is no, why do you want another person to deal with you then?

And if we’re really talking about biblical love, then let’s look at what the Bible actually says love looks like.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 tells us that love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Do you actually have the kind of love you’re praying for in someone else?

• You want someone who is patient. Are you patient?
• You want someone who is kind and gentle with you. Are you kind and gentle to others?
• You want someone who isn’t easily angered. How do you behave when you’re frustrated?
• You want someone who doesn’t keep score of your mistakes. Do you forgive, or do you keep a mental record of every offense?
• You want someone who isn’t self-seeking. Are you willing to put someone else’s needs before your own?
• You want someone who won’t dishonor or belittle you during an argument. Do you still respect your partner when you’re angry?
• You want someone who will persevere when things get difficult. Are you willing to work through difficulties, or do you only want love when it’s convenient?
• You want someone who loves you sacrificially. Are you actually capable of loving someone sacrificially too?

Because 1 Corinthians 13 isn’t just a beautiful passage to read at weddings; It’s a mirror. Love is more than the lovey-dovey romance, it’s more than the next-level intimate friendship.

It’s a partnership that can ONLY work when both people are willing to give their all.

Sustainable love happens when both are givers. If you’re always on the receiving side, I’m sorry to say it, but you’re not only a bad lover, you’re also failing at one of the most basic principles of Christianity.

Jesus said in John 15:13, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

And Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

Notice the emphasis on gave; without the other person demanding for it.

If we were to really love our partners as we love ourselves, like the Bible commanded us, I believe our relationships would look very different. We would NEVER take advantage of the love our partners give to us, talk less of abuse it.

We would also stop constantly asking, “What can they do for me?” and start asking, “What am I bringing to this relationship?”

• What characteristics do I have that are attractive?
• What characteristics do I have that are honorable?
• What are my flaws, and can I work on them?
• What habits would make living with me difficult?
• What am I currently doing to become a better person?

And no, this isn’t about becoming perfect before someone can love you. This isn’t about earning love or becoming so perfect that someone finally decides you’re worthy of it. You can deserve love and still be a terrible partner. You can be deeply loved by God and still have some serious character issues to work on. You can be someone’s dream person and still not be ready for a healthy relationship.

Being worthy of love and being ready to love someone well are two very different things.

What would make a God-fearing, handsome, smart and financially stable man pick me out of the millions of women roaming around here?

Because don’t forget: love is about choice.

You can have amazing chemistry with someone and still decide to skip them because you know deep down that that relationship will bring problems along the line.

You can be attracted to someone and still realize that their character isn’t compatible with the kind of life you’re trying to build. And that is why this isn’t about changing who you are to fit into the mold of someone else. I’m not telling you to become someone else’s idea of a perfect partner.

But what I’m saying is:

Are you the best version of yourself today?

What does the Bible say about a man after God’s own heart? Do you actually fulfill those characteristics, or are you just messing around? Husbands, are you willing to lay down your life as Christ did for the Church instead of expecting your wife to constantly lay down hers for you?

And you wife, what does the Bible say about a virtuous woman? Proverbs 31 describes a woman who is hardworking, wise, trustworthy, generous, capable and God-fearing. Is this you? Are you willing to submit to the authority of your husband? (I pray you choose a husband who won’t lead you to death, but that’s a topic for another day.)

To those who are parents: don’t forget that your children are watching you.

• Your character will determine whether they want to be like you or reject that idea altogether.
• You can nag and caution all you want, but your actions have to match your words.
• You can tell your daughter to choose a good man, but is she watching you choose/be a good man?
• You can tell your son to respect women, but does he see you respecting the woman you married?
• Your children don’t just listen to what you teach them. They watch how you live.

To those who are single: are you busy swiping on every dating app you can find, or are you using this season to build yourself up so that the caliber of people who approach you would at least make sense?

• Are you becoming the person you would want your future spouse to meet?
• Or are you just waiting for somebody to come and fix everything you haven’t dealt with yourself?

And for those who are married: do you evaluate yourself and your relationship regularly, or are you just winging it and stuck in your old ways?

When was the last time you actually asked your spouse:

“How am I doing as your partner?” Not “What am I doing wrong?” or “Why don’t you appreciate me?”

But genuinely:

“How can I love you better?” because it’s never too late to do better.

So ask yourself this:

If Mr./Miss Perfect were to show up today… would they choose you?

Try and reflect on this question whenever you have time: “Am I capable of giving you the kind of love I’m asking from you?”

Stay Blessed x