On my way to work this morning, while praying, writing this post came to mind. It wasn’t something I planned to write or talk about, but when the voice in my head told me to do so, I knew I had to listen.

There are a few things that everyone experiences in life at one point or another, and two of them are failure and disappointment. These two are at the top of my dislike list, which is funny because every living thing on earth experiences them. I dislike them so much that I would rather not start something than start it and fail at it (I’m working on this, by the way). And I also never get my hopes up or have expectations from people because humans never fail to disappoint. This is how much I dislike and avoid these two things.

Story time

Last week, I had an exam—not a school-related one, but more like a side project. As I mentioned in an earlier post, exams and I aren’t exactly friends because my fear of failure sometimes overwhelms me and stresses me out. But this time, I made an effort to control my fear and stress levels. I prayed, practiced, studied, asked questions, and even sought help, which I rarely do. I did everything in my power to ensure I was well-prepared. Every morning, afternoon, and evening, I prayed to God to see me through.

On the day of the exam, I slept well, prayed again, revised, practiced once more, and took the exam. I aced the first part with a perfect score and proceeded to the second part. However, not even 10 minutes in, I made a huge mistake that cost me the exam. To this moment, I still don’t understand how I made such a dumb mistake, but I did. The exam ended, and I was dismissed. Despite the embarrassing defeat, I still had to go to work. I was so frustrated, disappointed, and sad that I cried all the way to work. It wasn’t a pretty sight. I shed ugly tears for a good hour (I’m not even exaggerating), my eyes were red, I had a headache, and I was short of breath. During that 30-minute journey, I felt annoyed with God.

Why is it that I always seem to experience failure before getting things right?
Am I the only person on earth who has something to learn?
How come others pass on their first try while I always seem to struggle to achieve things?
What could I have done to deserve this?
Did this happen because I told people about it?
Is this a punishment for a sin I might have committed in the past?

There was nothing I didn’t ask God that day. I was so hurt and angry at myself, everyone and everything, and I just wanted my mom. When I called her and she saw me crying, she was worried until I told her I had failed the exam I took. She looked at her 24-year-old, almost-adult child sobbing on the phone, and started laughing, which wasn’t very consoling as I continued sobbing for another 30 minutes. To summarize her advice:

The race is not always to the fastest, but it is God that shows mercy.
No matter how many times you fail, keep trying your best to become a success.
never give up, stay calm and focused.

don’t be distracted by others opinions about you, because it doesn’t matter and it’s not important.

Be you, do you at your own time with God’s involvement in your case and before you know it, God will engage your enemies with useless mistakes and so much trouble that they will forget your case.

Looking at the situation in hindsight, God was probably also laughing at my tantrum. At that time, I was too preoccupied with my own sorrow and I hadn’t given myself enough space to reflect on what happened. What could God have been trying to say to me during the 30 minutes I was interrogating Him? He must have had an answer for every question I asked Him.

• Why is it that I always seem to experience failure before getting things right?
  Jeremiah 29:11 – “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
• Am I the only person on earth who has something to learn?
  John 16:33 – “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
• How come others pass on their first try while I always seem to struggle to achieve things?
  Ecclesiastes 3:11 – “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
• What could I have done to deserve this?
  Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
• Did this happen because I told people about it?
  Joshua 1:9 – “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
• Is this a punishment for a sin I might have committed in the past?
  Isaiah 55:8-9 – “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”
• Why do I bother trying anymore knowing I won’t get it right the first time?
  Galatians 6:9 – “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
• Why do you always let me down when I need you the most?
  Isaiah 40:31 – “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

I was genuinely upset at the time, to the point that I couldn’t concentrate at work and kept making silly mistakes throughout the day. Mistakes happen in life, and failure is a part of it, but that shouldn’t mean God has abandoned me. In that moment of self-pity, I had forgotten all the good He had given me without me asking or deserving it. I expected Him to fulfill my desires exactly when and how I wanted them. The simple truth might have been that I wasn’t ready for the test and the responsibility that comes after passing it. There probably isn’t a grand explanation behind it, nor is there any evil force at hand.

During my break at work today, I managed to schedule a date to retake the test after I had given up hope of getting another chance. Maybe this time I’ll pass it but maybe not (I really hope I do). Whatever the case might be, I will still try my very best and never forget that my Heavenly Father is on my side. Men may fail but He will never fail me. It might take multiple times to get there but at the end of the day victory will be mine. This doesn’t mean I won’t cry next time I fail but I guess it means I should shake it off as soon as possible, pass my burden unto Him and move on.
Matthew 11:28 – Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Stay Blessed x